Michael and Bea are friends, both talking about becoming single after long marriages.

Michael is speaking:

“After Ann died one of the many things I thought about was: What now? What do I do socially after forty-nine years of our couples social life? Does it just go on? Surely there will be changes. But what?

I knew almost right off that I didn’t, in fact you can’t, just keep the past going as though nothing had happened. That would be futile. Ann was gone. I had no romances waiting in the wings. Plenty of friends, but no high school sweetheart or otherwise that I knew of waiting in the wings to rekindle love, but later came to think of it that there was one friend who did make it very clear, I realize now, that she had something for me, but at the time  I missed all the signals. Completely.

And I knew enough to avoid trying, consciously or unconsciously, to make up for whatever I though I might have missed. Some people do that. I didn’t think I’d missed anything, like that. And I’d heard enough about “rebound” romances. Just not my way of thinking at the time.

I remember now that I gave it quite a bit of thought, all the while accepting invitations really aware that I was alone, still among the friends of years in the groups Ann and I had known for years. But what was new was that I was alone, single, and felt it.

I like to plan, it’s a habit, so I got systematic in my thinking and started, as I said to myself, at the top. Would I marry again or not?  I’m sure the thought came to me before that, off and on, but really looking at it came about six months after Ann’s passing.

And I decided I’d stay single. Not single forever, maybe, but for the forseeable. That gave me a framework for thinking. and I’d learned in my work that for me decisiuon making and planning go better me when I have that kind of framework.

If you think about what I’m telling you, and about this idea of becoming single as a learning process tha way you defing it, I was using my past habits to find my way in the new roles, wasn’t I? So what else is new? The teacher in me had signed me up in a course called Becoming Single 101, and I was the student. And I’d done the first assignment, like deciding to be single for the forseeable.”

Michael’s friend, Bea, joined in the conversation at this point. She skipped over what he had said about his planfulness and about the course he’d described as Becoming Single 101. Bea wanted to look at what she called the “flip side” of what he’d said.

Bea speaks:

“Like Michael says, friends, couples, are wonderful. They do reach out with invitations and whatever, especially at first.  You know, sometimes I’m with them solo and at other times they match me up with someone for the occasion, a single of course, hopefully someone I know at least some, and I get the feeling that they hope it might light a fire.

But either way, it feels strange, still. I’m an add-on, invited by compassion, to put a big word on it. Perhaps not. For my part I still have the feeling sometimes that I’m still part of a couple, there with Charley, and not with the whoever. Perhaps they see me that way too, still part of the old couple they have known for years, they must, don’t you think. I know that there are often comments like that, even the occasional comment that lets his name slip out.

Being married is being a couple and the pity is that we had very feww single friends. Its a shame but its true. There’s not a lot of incentive, is there?

My friends, since Charley died, the couples, I mean, really are wonderful. They do understand that I’m alone and I’ve talked about doing lots of tstuff that’s new to me, and they reach out, I mean, with suggestions and invitations and advice about what I should do and shouldn’t do. That part is a bit of a pain, sometimes.

But its me; know what I mean? I’ve got to learn what being single means, and its like Michael said, a learning process.  It’s often do-it-yourself; the fact is there’s not a lot around by way of guides.

You look at TV, listen to the radio, go to the movies, read a newspaper, well, who does that any more?  Its couples, couples, couples. I listen at church, or to political speeches, even the soaps, you name it, they all arrange themselves around the notion that couples is the way the world should be. It’s everywhere. Its discouraging.

When I thought about this it was a shock. Nobody was saying that being single at any age is good or healthy or a constructive way to live. Well, that’s not true. There are people speaking out and doing workshops and with web sites. But it’s still not much.

Maybe I’m complaining too much.”