“I was home while the boys were growing up, then working as an editor in a little print shop, well not so little, I guess. I was busy – in fact we did several books for local authors, along with a lot of the usual stuff. Art interests me. He wasn’t interested but would go with me sometimes to local galleries or in the city. But I don’t think he enjoyed it much.”

This is Liz, sixty-eight, mother of three adult children all living away from home. She’s energetic, living alone when we talked ten months since the death of her husband Albert, after forty-one years of marriage.

 “He had his interests in work and his photography and reading. Forever reading. All those books! And the photography stuff. I still have all of it and don’t know what’s to become of any of it. It’s for the boys but you know they haven’t said a word one way or another but it has to be, doesn’t it, their legacy from their father. All of it. Ugh.

I felt left out of his life a lot but I had my own interests and we did know lots of couples and he was a good father to the boys. I sometimes think he married me for my money. Or was it sex? Well, it’s true my father left a trust that I share it with my sister. I’m taking a cruise through the Panama Canal in a month. But the sex turned out to be no big deal. He had only his college degree and our lives were so separate.

Now that he’s gone, I think I’m doing much the same as when he was here. But there’s all the paperwork to sort out, and he would have done that without me. The house is full of piles of paper; you wouldn’t believe it, but it doesn’t bother me, I’m used to a desk with stacks of stuff on it but I do have to move them when the grandkids come, especially for the little one who’s into everything. I’m not doing a thing with those stacks of books, or the pictures and photography stuff.

 

My daughter-in-law loads three grandkids on me at least three days each week, more if they want to stay over. I love to have them. So, you could say that’s something I’ve learned as a single, caring for the grandkids! They’re company, and she needs the break and to get to her work. Otherwise she’d have to hire help, and it’s her problem when I travel, but for now it works.

I see less of my friends than I used to when I was working. Even just for coffee or just to talk. Yes, I know that’s crazy, stuck here in a way, with the grandkids and wanting to get away from it all.

It’s a carry-over I know – he was so dependent on me, even though we weren’t close. I did everything for him up until the last week when hospice came, and never a word of thanks to me or to them, and often never a word at all. But I couldn’t leave him, could I? I didn’t want to anyway.

Oh, about friends. Last week a man friend called, we’ve known him for years, invited me to have to coffee but I turned him down with a “perhaps later.” I really wanted to, he’s a nice guy I’ve known for years, but I have all this paperwork to do, and the taxes from year end and would just love to get away from all that, and taking care of the grandkids now that they are on holiday. Do I sound confused? I suppose I am in some ways. I mean, paperwork instead of coffee and a chat with an old friend? Why not? As I tell you about it, it sounds like a dumb excuse.

In a way, I’m less independent than before, don’t you think? I ‘ve thought about that several times and I’m not sure I like it. I hadn’t stopped to think about this, becoming single, I mean learning to become single, as you put it, and am not sure about that either. We’ll see.”