Alice Says:

“Some people just don’t get it; they just don’t know what to say to you after you’ve lost someone. Oh, I know, almost everyone says something bland and kind, and that’s what you expect and it’s probably all that’s needed. I suppose they want to be helpful and give support but some people. Really. They just don’t get it. Just don’t get it. That’s where they are but it makes you wonder. But it can hurt.”

Alice had been living single for six years when we talked. She was between appointments so our conversation was brief although she wanted to share, promising a return visit.

“For instance, at bridge I was greeted with ‘I’m surprised to see you back so soon after the funeral.’ What kind of comment is that, or what? What was I supposed to say?

And there were other comments just like that, about being back at my volunteering, even about being seen at the theater soon after my husband passed.

In fact, there were enough comments like that that I thought a lot about it, because, you know, that stopped me cold: I couldn’t think of a word to say, and for me that’s rare.

But there’s more than that when you think about it. Saying things like that is, in a way, a kind of a rebuke, a way of telling me I wasn’t the way I was supposed to be, as a widow and single.

So, I thought about it, and how it had left me speechless, and my resentment – not a good attitude when you’re out having fun!

I decided I’d settle for a plain ‘Thank you.’ Nothing more. Just ’Thank you’, and move on or change the subject. And you know, it works beautifully. We’re both off the hook. Saying only two words is new for me, but it works. So why not?

Well, let’s talk some more. I’m sure there’s more.”