“I’ve been single, as you put it, for three years now, and I’ve    learned a lot, among other things, to listen carefully to what my kids were saying. We always listen, of course, but now, with their mother gone, it’s changed. I’ve sensed that they know it’s different for me, perhaps in ways they don’t understand, as well as what it means for them. And they don’t always come right out with it, you know, in detail.”

This is Alex, father of two adult children, both professionals.

“For instance, something they commented on was that at first I stayed at home a lot. That’s true: I was comfortable doing that, but soon I heard about it from the children. “You’ve got to get out.” Not just once but over and over. “And not just to have breakfast with your friend Eric once a week, either. New places, new people.”

That was typical.  They clearly had a concern even though they didn’t spell out what they thought staying at home a lot might do to me, or to them. They didn’t always say it the same way but the message was clear enough, at least about not staying home so much.

I joked with my doctor about it when she asked about how I was doing, and she took it seriously. She agreed, complete with facts and figures about my mental health and all.

I already felt that I wanted to get out more and not just keep busy at home though, heaven knows, there was plenty to do and I enjoyed most of it. I’m retired and I’d had plenty of going out when I was working, heaven knows. And with Esther we had plenty of friends to visit. I’d only retired a year before she passed. But now that I was alone I had to have something other than just going out, something in mind. A reason of some kind.

So, off I went, line of least resistance, to the Senior Center for the Tuesday movie because I like movies, well, some movies. The place was small, room for about twenty, so chatting a bit before and after was almost a necessity. Almost impossible not to meet new people there and talk. And the guy doing the showings loved to talk about the film; that helped, right there in the room. And I didn’t really care if being there didn’t spark any new social interests, that was fine. I was out and about again.

My kids liked that, liked the idea that I was seeing movies, talking about films with the projectionist, even seemed to like that a couple of the other chats after the movie led to coffee dates at Starbucks with one of the ladies there. Nothing much, mostly more movie talk.

Then, the cautions began to come from the children: “Dad, be careful. Ha, Ha. You never know what she wants, and you know the joke, looking for a purse or a nurse.” That kind of thing. And, you know, I do hear that same thing among my friends whenever one of them has a new friend. I don’t like it.

I listened and just laughed it off.  Later I thought about it. I’d heard others, like me, say the same kind of thing – the encouragement to get out then the cautions when I began to do anything that looked like dating.

I can see that the children would be wondering, and what it meant for them. Too many changes, all at once, that’s part of it, don’t you think? Especially changing feelings about mom and dad, the couple they knew best from day one, even though they knew that it was different now.

So, the comments about getting out of the house rather than being at home probably took on more meanings for them, about new friendships that I might make, and how that would play with them. Maybe even more.

So, I’m listening better than I used to, and you might say, at different levels. I think it helps. It certainly helps me feel better, even though sometimes it gets a bit tiresome, the feeling that I have to organize myself to fit their expectations.