Violet is speaking:

“It’s been years now, of course, but I remember how angry I was at first that Arthur was gone. I was angry at everyone and everything and made no secret of it. I was just mad. Childish, I know now. That he should die. He was so young and so talented and so successful in our both our businesses.

We had everything you’d wish for, money as our businesses grew, and our son, and we’d built the house where I still live – everything. I was so mad. We’d had lots of friends but I was even mad at them, I think. I must not have scared them all away because there were men friends inviting me to dates. But they wanted to run my life.

When I thought I was over my anger – well, the worst of it, I accepted a date. He was a nice guy we had known for years in business. I thought the date would go well – you know – common interests and we knew lots of the same people so it would be a great gossip time, and I really needed some man company. I knew I was tense and worried and I thought I wanted to relax a bit, but as I look back there were signals with him, even on the first date that I completely missed. Little things like for instance, at the restaurant he went right ahead and ordered for both of us, pretty much without asking me what I wanted. OK, I thought, he’s a take charge person, wanting to treat me well, and I really did want to be taken care of, at least treated well. I was used to that with Arthur, and I hadn’t been out like that for a while, on a date, I mean.

On our next date, we went to a movie, nice, but a surprise to me. He hadn’t said anything about where we were going or did I want to go or asked what did I want to see.

About by then I began to get the message, especially after the show as we talked about it: his opinions were the ones we’d have. He thought for me, with plenty of suggestions: ‘You have to understand this movie this way. . ..’ And so on.

And in other ways, too. This taking charge of my life! I’d talked about some little things that needed doing around the house, and he was, like: ‘You should call so-and-so.’ And another thing: I like news magazines and talking about what I read.  He told me not to waste my money on magazines, just to watch TV.

So, each time it got to be something like I’d say something and he’d tell me what to do. Then I had to explain to him why what he said didn’t solve the problem or suit me. It was back and forth – he’d tell me what to do and I had to tell him that it just wouldn’t work for me or that I’d done it already.

Talk about control. I got so mad, all over again! At him, I mean. What business was it of his how many magazines I read, or why should I think the same way about a movie as he did? All that advice about what I should and shouldn’t do. Oh, brother!

For me, that was the end of him. I’d had enough. Believe me, he wanted to run my life and that turned me off him and, anyway, he didn’t come up with anything that I thought would work. It only took two dates for me to learn that, and that I wasn’t looking for someone to run my life for me.

Maybe I was very needy and attracted that kind of advice. Whatever. I certainly got it. So, I stuck to my women friends, married and single, and they had advice for me too, but somehow it was different, more sympathetic, at least from the single friends.

I’ve also come to admit to myself, at least, that I am almost as controlling as he tried to be. I’m the one in our group who arranges the parties, and sees to it that the bridge group gets called to remind them, and helps the beginners to play the right way. I’m good at all that.

And so, with him, for instance, I was often ahead of him. I could tell him what I knew with, ‘Yes, but I’ve tried that,’ or ‘Yes, but that just won’t work for me.’  It got to be like a game of tennis, back and forth across the net.

I like men’s company and don’t want to be alone and lonely, but that was a disaster. I’d picked just the person who, as I think of it now, had the same issues I had, wanting to be in the driver’s seat.

That’s all been years ago, and the story didn’t end there, but that’s another story and I’ll tell you about it sometime. And as I look back now I can see that I was adjusting to being single, as you put it, learning, as you say. I knew I didn’t want to be angry all over again particularly with men and knew I wanted their company, even though I hadn’t figured out just how. So, I learned that the ‘take charge’ part of me was pretty strong, and began to show. Short term, I knew he had to go. Too bad – we didn’t even get to cuddle!

I hadn’t thought about it like this, I mean to tell it like a story. It’s been interesting.”