“As I started dating again — this was more than a year or so after Susan died, I began to get anxious. As I thought about it I linked the two things together – new close relationships after so many years with only one and feelings of guilt, that was a no-brainer. I was out of my comfort zone.  Not surprising: I’d been married and faithful for thirty-one years. I knew that, in my head, I mean, but didn’t feel it.

Help needed, said I. So, I had friend suggest a couple of therapists, called, made appointments and went with the second one after a couple of trial sessions that just didn’t feel right for me with another.”

This is Evan, early sixties, still active in his professional practice and living alone since the loss of his wife Susan three years earlier. Three adult children all living independently. We had talked briefly earlier; this is a return visit.

 “Short story: between a couple of sessions, and at the suggestion of the therapist, I put together a free-wheeling list of why I might be anxious. We talked about the list and that helped more, but the big help, I think, was putting the list together.

I had nibbled away at doing it, adding here and there one day or another, just letting my mind work on it between times. I seem to remember reading somewhere that thinking begins when a problem is defined, and that was what happened for me: I was beginning to define the problem as I wrote down my thoughts about why I was anxious. The list was just that kind of kick-start for me.

Here’s my list, to share it with you because when we talked before I’d forgotten some of the details, you’ll remember. Here’s my list. I’ll read it to you.

I am feeling anxious about dating

• because as the new friendships grow they may push out memories I want to keep.
• because getting close now challenges my long monogamous marriage thinking.
• because I might get close and the relationship might go sour. Fear of failure.
• because getting close might get really close, and am I ready to get naked again? I know one thing can lead to another and I haven’t thought about boundaries.
• being mildly anxious is good because mild anxiety keeps me cautious, and I’m cautious by nature.
• because I sometimes do get off on the wrong foot with people, so I should take care.
• closer relationships are give and take, and that threatens my new independence, which I like. Stay safe; paddle my own canoe.
• I heard that mild anxiety may be a random brain event. (That’s sure a convenient way to explain it all!).
• the world is a dangerous place. I’d be maladjusted if I was not at least mildly anxious.
• Psych 101 taught me that mild tension is an automatic, or is it autonomic, motivational response to incomplete tasks. This is helpful, because I’ve got plenty incomplete now that I’m single again.
• I really don’t know what my dates are looking for, and everyone has heard the ‘nurse or purse’ quip about older romances.

So where do I come out? We went through the list, bit by bit, and quite apart from this it made me feel better, like, more in control, just to let it all hang out to a listening ear.

Of course, I knew that I was the one, not the therapist, who had to do the work and make changes, whatever they turned out to be and if I wanted to.

And, I think that seeing so many reasons why I should be anxious made me feel better, like, why worry too much, this may be healthy after all. Some of the things on the list were realistic concerns, like accepting the fact that memories of the married years do fade. Or, the need to be cautious and considerate of what the dates needed and wanted, they might be as much on pins and needles as I am.

I didn’t get too analytical, I rarely do much of that at any given time. So, in a way it was making the list and to talk it over with the therapist that helped a lot.”