“For the first couple of months after the memorial service I remember being very busy, run off my legs I was so busy.”

This is Eric’s story. He’s talking three years after his thirty-seven-year marriage ended with the death of his wife.

“There was the every-day stuff around the house, and the yard, the usual stuff that didn’t change much. But all the new stuff, new to me, or new to me alone, anyway — paper work like responding to the sympathy cards, thank-you cards, birthday cards, making changes on the cars, at the bank with the bank cards. She had run the place, not really, but that’s how is seemed.

I think I was numb, I just did whatever came next and at the time it didn’t dawn on me that no one was offering to help. Can you believe that – no one, not my in-laws, not my friends, not even my family? Maybe they thought I needed the time alone, and they know I’m a “do it” kind of person. Anyway, I didn’t notice. Oh, I know they were full of sympathy and good wishes for me. It was like Keep Calm and Carry On.

Except it was just me. That was hard sometimes, and I was lonely most of the time. I’d been so used to having someone there for so long, you know what I mean? Even if you’re not saying anything.

As I think about it now, three years later, that period is like a gap in time, lost time, but I got through it, and I must have done what had to be done.

You know what I learned from that? As I look back? One thing for sure: you have to ask for help if you want help. At least I do. I know my family and friends are willing enough, others are too, if I ask, but they’re getting on with their own lives. So, you’ve got to risk it and ask. That dawned on me, so I began asking.

Something else I learned was that there are more details in a marriage than I’d known. We’d shared a lot, and so long as things got done we didn’t need to rehash everything in detail. I’d taken a lot for granted, and like many couples we developed a kind of coded language. We didn’t need to share lots of details. Now there was just me, and things kept popping up. Like insurance policies to be revised, bank accounts that had too many names, the safe deposit box that I hadn’t looked in for years, check books, credit cards- you name it. Revising wills and selling her car, all that stuff. I knew about these things but now they had to be done, and it was me.

But I was learning: I just started asking. I went to the bank and asked for help. I phoned the insurance agent and asked her to explain; I went to the auto club about the cars and how to sell hers.

Yes, I went to a grief recovery group for the loneliness, but all I found was other lonely people. Yes, I know that many groups are really helpful; I made struck a bad day, I think.

The legal stuff was something else. A friend suggested a lawyer so I read online reviews about him. Scary. So, I asked another friend and her suggestion turned out to be a part-time attorney-mom at home and that scared me too. Two strikes.

That slowed me down so I procrastinated. Enough of that. I asked a CPA friend and that suggestion was a winner. I’m glad I hung in and kept looking because before I was through I had all the end-of-life papers taken care of, my will, powers of attorney, titles recorded – you name it. The whole package. A great feeling. Finding competent professionals was a challenge, for me.

Something else I had to learn is putting together a new routine for myself now that I was alone. It mostly evolved and I came up short a couple of times – forgot appointments, misplaced papers, didn’t get a bill paid on time, or something or other, I forget just what, but that was the trouble – I didn’t have a routine or someone to remind me. I needed some kind of schedule for the every-day things, and something more than just a list, something with days and times. By now I think I’ve got it worked out, at least for now it works. It’s simple and works but I changed it several times. It takes practice to keep it going. I have a list on my bathroom mirror, for example, of the morning and evening sequence. Not so necessary after a month or two, but still a reminder.

I find it easier to change habits if I remind myself that I am the only one who has to agree and put up with the mistakes – all part of learning.

It’s still hit and miss, getting used to the new routine, I guess I’m getting more hits as the misses get fewer. I use a written outline, and that helps a lot and I’m remembering to look at it! Like remembering a groceries day, reminding myself that the cleaning lady arrives at seven thirty on her day, using the dishwasher just enough to keep it working.

I’m one of your learners that’s for sure.